today i was walking home from the gym with my phone's mp3 player on shuffle. because it's not the norm to sing along whilst meandering along hennepin avenue, i'm forced to really listen to the words in songs. sometimes it's easy to forget that the songs you know so well actually have meaning to them. anyway, a song from my favorites, rascal flatts, came on...which made me a happy girl! and also had me thinking.
here are the lyrics:
"When The Sand Runs Out"
I spent the morning at an old friend's grave
Flowers and Amazing Grace, he was a good man
He spent his whole life spinnin' his wheels
Never knowin' how the real thing feels
He never took a chance or took the time to dance
And I stood there thinking as I said goodbye
Today is the first day of the rest of my life
I'm gonna stop lookin' back and start movin' on
And learn how to face my fears
Love with all of my heart, make my mark
I wanna leave something here
Go out on a ledge, with out any net
That's what I'm gonna be about
Yeah I wanna be runnin'
When the sand runs out
'Cause people do it everyday
Promise themselves they're gonna change
I've been there, but I'm changin' from the inside out
That was then and this is now
I'm a new man, yeah, I'm a brand new man
And when they carve my stone they'll write these words
"Here lies a man who lived life for all that its worth"
And as the cold wind blows across the graveyard
I think I hear the voice of my old friend whisper in my ear
I'm gonna stop lookin' back and start movin' on
Learn how to face my fears
Love with all of my heart, make my mark
I wanna leave something here
Go out on a ledge, with out any net
That's what I'm gonna be about
Yeah I wanna be runnin'
When the sand runs out
The part that really stuck out at this particular moment was the chorus. "learn how to face my fears". as i thought about this line, i realized that i've done a pretty good job of that in the past year or so. (and here my love of lists appears once again)
1. i started going to the gym. I'm always so worried about what other people are thinking about me, so the fact that i now work out and get sweaty in front of other people is a big step. Especially the fact that i go to group exercise classes. I always feel like people think i don't belong. probably people just want to work out and don't really care who else is there, so i need to stop being so paranoid! done and done. now i've been going to the same classes long enough that i feel like i DO belong, and i enjoy when new people join us! go figure.
2. i've met up with/hung out with near strangers on many occasions this summer. again, i have that fear of what people think of me. i used to be shy. in high school i took a step towards non-shyness by running for student council...and getting elected! then when i went away to college i made myself be the outgoing, bubbly girl on my floor. i had people fooled! maybe it wasn't so hard to be un-shy! until i settled into my routine, had my core group of friends. there wasn't a reason to try to be outgoing anymore and the opportunities came less and less. so, this summer i decided that i was going to do as many things as possible, and it didn't matter who it was with. i got invited to watch the world cup at kieran's with some people i'd only met twice. i went. and it was a great time! several times i went out with kim and some of her friends from work whom i'd never met...all fun times! i went to a cabin with kim over the 4th...that belonged to her boyfriend's friend. i'd only met the boyfriend several times, and the others...never. what a fabulous weekend! i hung out with one of those "others" last weekend...with a few more people that i had never met...a great night! my closest friends left wakefest early (well, earlier than i did)...but i made new friends! ok, that last one doesn't really count as i know the entire family that was throwing the party...but it was also a great night! so...i guess i'm not shy anymore? awesome.
3. i wander downtown. i used to always think it was weird that i felt perfectly comfortable wandering around foreign cities but was scared of minneapolis. and, ok, i live downtown so i have a certain comfort for it now, but i've been venturing further and further out of the general neighborhood and i can find my way around. i think i may be a true city girl now! if only i had a job downtown and didn't own a car...
4. I've stopped avoiding conflict. either there's less conflict in my life or i've actually confronted it to make it go away faster. i used to let things that bothered or annoy me fester and grow inside of me until i just about exploded! i was a wasp. i was afraid if i said anything, people would get mad at me and make the situation worse. i hated conflict and confrontation. now, i'm still not a fan of either of those things, but if something is bothering me and it can be fixed, i say something. if there's nothing i can do about it, i do the best i can to get over it. and maybe vent and rant a little. i just don't hold things inside anymore.
5. i lost weight. losing weight can be a scary thing. you get comfortable in what you are, even if what that is makes you really uncomfortable. change is scary, even if its a good thing. so, i finally said "i'm doing it" and i did it. now the trick is not going back to the ways that are comfortable.
a few weeks ago, em wrote a blog about mid-year resolutions. so here are mine:
**Keep doing things that make me a little uncomfortable. the more i push the boundaries of my comfort zone, the more i'll get out of life. not to mention, i'll start to get pretty comfortable in a lot of situations!
**work on the next part of the chorus: "love with all of my heart, make my mark, i wanna leave something here" i want to have an impact on the world. and now seems like a great time to get started...
so i've figured out the "what" and "when"...
now i just have to figure out the "how".
